Whistle Binkies Old World Pub at 3120 Wellner Drive NE, Rochester, MN 5590632/50 - Standard, Run-of-the-mill

There is nothing quite like a trip to a pub with your parents and girlfriend on a rainy Spring evening. Noisy patrons at every table, waitresses in short skirts power walking to deliver food on time, and inebriated gentlefolk wobbling from bar stool to bar stool. One might think such a place would be too rambunctious for a self-described intellectual like myself. Well, you might be right, but did Indiana Jones give up on finding the Ark of the Covenant because he didn't like Nazis? In a word, no. So too does my taste for French dips take me into harms way, driving me into ever more dangerous situations with every passing sandwich. That and that fact that my parents were paying. When I received the menu, I looked in vain for the words "French dip" on the sandwiches page. I was distraught as I went down every entry, coming up short. But wait. What is that?! Aha! There it was, hidden, listed under the name "Prime Rib French Dip." Yes, mindless readers, this French dip was not a generic French dip (as if such a demeaning term could ever be applied to such an amazing invention!). No, this French dip strove to be something more, something better than its French dip brothers and sisters. How did it fare?


Bread: 9/10 pts

This was one of the strongest parts of this French dip. Upon my first bite, I noticed that it was warm in my mouth(!), pleasantly making the bread feel more hearty. The texture was absolutely perfect, being neither too crunchy nor too soft. With every bite my teeth penetrated the thin layer of hard bread ectoderm, and from there proceeded to plunge into the fleshy soft mesoderm, before finally entering the endoderm of the sandwich. My one gripe with the bread is that it appeared that they hollowed out a portion of it before putting the meat inside. This meant that the baguette touched itself on the sides, but in the middle was filled with meat, as if I was eating a Hot Pocket (note to Hot Pocket Research and Development Department: French Dip Hot Pockets). While there was nothing inherently wrong with this, I felt as though I had been cheated out of some bread, and I much prefer my sandwiches to have little bits of meat hanging out the side. The bread was also very good at absorbing the au jus, a plus for any French dip. Overall, the bread was the high point of an otherwise middle of the road French dip.

Roast Beef (Prime Rib?): 7/10 pts

I was torn while eating the meat presented on this sandwich. On the one hand, it was very thick and hearty, not packed on there too tight nor too loosely. It had a distinctive beef taste, something which one should always look for in their French dips. Without cheese, the beef had to do most of the flavor heavy lifting, and overall it did a pretty good job.

However, there were a few problems. One of them was that the meat was a little fatty for my delicate taste, especially considering it was supposed to be from the prime part of the cow (as opposed to the composite part?). Another issue was that, by the end of my sandwich, the meat was tasting a little "eh," and I'm not really sure if the prime rib (or the price tag that came with it) were all that worth it. Sure it was flavorful for the most part, but not necessarily anymore flavorful than a cheaper roast beef. A lesser quality of meat would have tasted just as good, could have been less fatty, and would have been easier on my parent's pocketbooks. Just looking out for you guys!

Cheese: 2/10 pts

How can one review what does not exist? This French dip did not come with the slightest hint of cheese, much to my bebafflement. My dad postulated that perhaps, just perhaps, because the meat was prime rib, the establishment opted to omit the Swiss cheese, as the two are not often found together. This would lead me to argue what the point of including a higher quality meat (see above) in a French dip would be if it precludes the elimination of an entire pillar of the sandwich. Would a house look better if it had a wall constructed made out of high quality lumber, but it meant that the house could only have three walls? Of course not. Such is the fate of this French dip. It gets two point only for having a plausible, if not deeply flawed justification for not including cheese, especially cheese is included if you "Make it a 'Philly'" (More on this later).

Au jus: 8/10 pts

The au jus which came with my sandwich was a pretty good one. It was warm and had a smokey flavor, but didn't overpower my palette like, say, I might overpower Justin Bieber in a contest to see who had the deepest voice. The portion of au jus was plentiful, and lasted me the entire French dip. It was a delicious edition to the encyclopedia of au jus stored in my memory right next to memorized 'That 70's Show' and 'Arrested Development' quotes.

The only problem I had with the au jus was how it seemed to separate after I had finished eating it. On the top there was a clear layer of grease, and on the bottom there were little brownish flakes. I'm not sure if these were remnants of my meat that had fallen in or what. When I stirred it up, they mixed together and it looked like a brown au jus, but then after a few minutes separated again. Makes me wonder...

Miscellaneous: 7/10 pts

• Appearance: 1/2 pt
  Certainly not the best looking French dip ever, not the ugliest. The Michael Cera of French dips? I think its appearance was damaged by the pickle which was given to me. As Humphrey Bogart once said, "We don't need no stinkin' pickles!" Rock on, Humphrey, rock on. The fact that the meat was all packed inside the French dip and wasn't hanging a little over the roll, as I have become accustomed, was also cause for the one point deduction in this category.


• Price: 1/3 pt
  The price on this beast was a little over the top, a little rich for my blood. For the French dip and fries or coleslaw, the cost was $10.95. This didn't include the extra $1.49 to substitute my fries for beer cheese soup. I realize the substitution was my own choice, but what red-blooded Midwesterner is going to pass up beer cheese soup? Even without the soup, the French dip was still more expensive than any other I have previously eaten. I guess the reason it was priced so much was the fact that it was "Prime Rib," but as I mentioned before, I'm not sure if this increase in price was really worth it, as it didn't add much to the taste.


• Restaurant: 2/2 pts
  Whistle Binkies itself is a pretty enjoyable place, contrary to my facetious poo-pooing before. The atmosphere is nice, being far from the seediest bar I have ever been in, and the complementary popcorn is a plus. It's a nice place to sit down and have a bite, watch some March Madness, and rock your girlfriends socks at iPhone Scrabble.


• Extras: 3/3 pts
  As mentioned before, French fries or coleslaw come included in the price of the French dip. In addition, you can choose to substitute a cup of soup, a side salad, or cottage cheese(?) for $1.49 more. This is a great selection of sides, and this isn't even including the complementary popcorn that was nice and salty. The beer cheese soup was delicious, being both beery and cheesy at the same time, and I sprinkled some of that popcorn on the top to make it taste even better.

Final Tally: 32/50 pts

This French dip was another good addition to the annals of French dip-dom. While it certainly didn't win any medals, it wasn't a bad French dip by any standards, and could be fixed by a altering a few simple things. One thing that I have not elaborated on until now was the ability to change your French dip and "Make it a 'Philly'".



As you can clearly see from exhibit A presented above, for an added price a patron may opt to disfigure their French dip by making it a "Philly." Now, why the hell would a restaurant put something so grotesque and disgusting on a menu? Why would anyone in their right minds take something as wonderful and beautiful as the French dip, and alter it in such a way that you are literally pooping on it. Mention of the Philly Cheesesteak must be stricken from the menu if this French dip is ever to reach its full potential.

The addition of cheese would also have bumped this sandwich up into the higher tiers of the rating system. If cheese can be included on the Poopy Cheesesteak version of this sandwich, why not on the tastier French dip? If I (my parents) are going to pay $11 for a French dip, I shouldn't have to pay more for cheese. Simple as that. And speaking of cost, if the meat was just some Walmart freezer-bought lunch meat beef, it probably wouldn't have tasted all that different, and would have been easier on the wallet, making the price less egregious. It was also a bit of a shame how small my sandwich was, as I was hoping for a large hoagie with large portions of meat, suitable for a large guy like myself. Nevertheless, it was a decent sandwich overall, and if you are at Whistle Binkies absolutely craving a French dip, it probably wouldn't be the worst bet to order one. Just make sure you bought your lottery ticket earlier in the day.



Notes taken during review:

No cheese. Au jus is good and smokey. Baguette absorbs aujus [sic] nicely. Kinda small. Meat is flavorful, maybe a little fatty. No cheese, what's up with that? Maybe because it's prime rib? Bread is just about perfect, but it looks like some was taken out of the middle to make the slices fit better. Soup was great with it. A little pricey overall I thought, not sure prime rib is worth it. Meat tasted a little eh at the end. AU just lasted me the whole sammy sweetheart. Screw pickles.

Well that wraps up the inaugural French dip review for Markaeology. I think I might take a few weeks off from reviewing French dips, as one review in the past four months has been quite taxing. I will probably take some time to expand the scope of this blog, maybe review a CD or game or somesuch thing. Maybe I'll take some time off to watch some crappy movies or something. Now I just need to find a place where I can get a list of the worst movies of all time...

A Still More Glorious Dawn Awaits

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears!

I have decided, after much deliberation and expensive personal counseling, to move The French Dip Review to this newer, bigger, better blog, Markaeology. The decision was not easy, as The French Dip Review became somewhat of a Consumerist sensation after my dealings with the Perkins in Madison (something that other sandwich reviewing blog will never be able to claim). However, I quickly got annoyed of assessing au jus, became burned out on baguettes, refrained from being refreshed by roast beef, and chewed cheese only to my chagrin. It became startlingly apparent to me that I cannot sustain a blog by writing about French dips alone; I simply am not interested in one topic for extended periods of time.

Therefore, I have created a new, broader blog, that I will update more frequently with a wider array of topics, ensuring that I do not tire of writing. I have named the blog Markaeology, after my interest in the field of archaeology, although I plan to write on whatever topic stirs my marrow. In addition to reviews of the aforementioned French dips, I will likely review movies I see, games I play, shows I watch, people I meet(?), and things I touch(!). However, as homage to perfection, I promise to never review any delectable foodstuff other than the fabled French dip sandwiches. It's the least I can do. I will likely also infrequently comment on interesting news stories I come across, mostly dealing with the humanities and science, as well as post the occasional and obligatory HILARIOUS photo with an equally HILARIOUS story to go along with it. This is a blog, after all.

For those French dip purists (Puritans?) of you who may be concerned that my reviews will be corrupted by intermittent nuggets of horizon expanding topics, fear not. For if you truly love French dips, you will understand that sporadic reviews with interesting filler is better than no reviews at all. If you are concerned about the quality of my reviews, I promise I will always hold French dip-serving restaurants to a higher standard, and will never forget the immortal, sage words of Uncle Ben, when he said "With great sandwich comes great responsibility."

For the next few days I will be updating the look and layout of the blog to get it up to a higher standard. I'd hate to have it confused with a second-rate blog. In the meantime I will try and track down my former readers, and let these elite few disciples know that the Lazarus of blogs has been resurrected. After that, I promise to update more often, and not fall into the same trap I did with The French Dip Review. You have my word, and my honor. And for those who frequently fall victim to attacks of nostalgia, The French Dip Review will remain up, petrified in time (if bits and bytes can be petrified), for all to enjoy and reminisce about.

Now let us look to the future, and may this post not be a sunrise, but a galaxy-rise, and the blog filled with 400-billion suns.

The French Dip Review Lives On!

As I’m sure many of you have noticed, the French Dip Review has not had an update in quite some time, since the 14th of November, as a matter of fact. By my precise calculations, that is a long time. There are several reasons for this, but the main one is the interference of school work and finals, sucking me dry of the free-time to visit fine eateries and munch their French dip sandwiches. You the reader may incorrectly think eating and reviewing French dip sandwiches is all fun and games, that there is no price to pay for consuming them, but let me be the first to tell you that it is a taxing process, both in terms of the time it takes to actually eat the French dip and in the amount of time it takes to write a review.
And so, if you would kindly forgive me for my long absence, I would like to share with the great Food Reviewing Blogosphere two and a half pieces of information regarding The French Dip Review.

1.
Around the time of my last review, I ate at a local Decorah establishment twice, both times ordering and ingesting their French dips. I took notes my first time, and I remember the experience well both times. I hope to have a review of this French dip up soon, hopefully before Friday. Without a doubt it will take the title of “Best French Dip” away from Arby’s, no contest.

2.
As French dip sandwich loremasters are likely aware, there are two restaurants in Los Angeles which both claim to be the original home of the French dip: Cole’s Pacific Electrical Buffet and Philippe the Original. While I have not had time to substantiate the competing claims of these two, I respect the fact that they both strive to be the originator of the world’s best sandwich, and I hope to someday make a pilgrimage to Los Angeles and review both in a head-to-head French dip-off.

Regardless of my impartiality towards these two eateries, this Christmas I received a shirt from Philippe’s, and let me tell you it is pretty awesome. I intend on wearing it from time to time when I do my reviews, but I pray that the representatives of Cole’s will not see this as an endorsement of a French dip sandwich I have not yet consumed. Instead, I wear it as a remembrance of the rich history of the French dip sandwich and those who love it enough to claim to be its creator.

2.5.
My Perkins gift cards from their corporate offices are floating around somewhere, and I hope to find them and a scanner soon to share with you the bounty of my review. It actually was a really nice, personalized letter, with $20 in Perkins gift cards included. As I promised, I will go back to the Perkins on University Ave. in Madison at the end of January to re-review their French dip sandwich, hopefully getting the correct bread so I will be able to give it a more respectable rating. Look for that review to come at the end of January or the beginning of February. In the meantime, I’ll try to keep the fresh reviews coming.

That is all for now, I just want to thank everyone for sticking with me, I know it can’t be much fun checking the blog and seeing that nothing has been updated for over a month. But the past is behind us, and there are only brighter days ahead. As Tim Allen most famously said, “To another French dip review, and beyond!”

Arby's at 333 Apache Mall Rochester, MN 5590231/50 - Standard, run-of-the-mill

One of the most commonly asked questions I field concerning my blog is "When are you going to review Arby's French dip sandwich?" The interest in this sandwich probably stems from the fact that it has such high visibility compared to other French dips, featuring prominently in Arby's commercials throughout the great US of A. Ever looking to make my readers happy, I have been trying to find a time to review the Arby's rendition of the French dip since this blogs induction, one of the major hurdles preventing me from doing so being the fact that Decorah, IA has not one Arby's. Luckily, while visiting home this weekend, my girlfriend offered to go to Arby's with me for lunch, along with her mom and her mom's boyfriend. We decided to go to the food court at the local mall so that everyone could have what they wanted and I wouldn't have to force Arby's down their throats.

Bread: 8/10 pts

The one things I noticed about the bread right away is that it looked like sub. This makes sense, as the sandwich is marketed as "Arby's French Dip and Swiss Toasted Sub", or AFDSTS for short. Now, I consider myself a connoisseur of French dips, but not necessarily a puritan. I am willing to try new takes on the French dip, and will accept them if they exceed my current paradigms. I understand that sandwiches evolve just like anything else, as, in the words of Darwin, "survival of the tastiest" prevails. and the French dip is no exception. For evidence of this evolution, one needs to look no further than the Swiss cheese commonly put on modern French dips, but absent in the originals. But I digress. Because sandwiches evolve, it is not necessarily a bad thing if they tried to go in a different direction with this sandwich (even if all they did was put it on a toasted sub bun).

And for the most part, it worked. The bread was warm, moist even before the au jus, and had the slight taste of what I think was sourdough. It was toasted almost perfectly, being slightly crispy, but not crunchy, with a soft interior. All in all I think that, for what they were trying to go for, this was a pretty good attempt and better than I would have thought Arby's capable. Nonetheless, I do not think this sub take on the bread tasted better than a French baguette or hoagie roll, and thus, sadly, points must be deducted. But I really appreciate them trying. A for effort.

Roast Beef: 4/10 pts
While the bread might have been the strong point of this sandwich, the meat was one of the weak points. The meat included in this sandwich was sliced super thin, but packed super tight, so much so that I would get mouthfuls of only meat. This would be fine, if the meat wasn't the same exact meat that Arby's used on every single other sandwich it has made ever. If you have eaten at Arby's before, you know what I am talking about; The sickly looking, somewhat fatty beef that is fine for the first few bites, but at the end of your sandwich you find yourself gagging down. This wasn't really an issue with this particular sandwich or this particular location. All Arby's everywhere seem to use this beef. I can appreciate that higher quality meat would cost more, but this meat is one of the reasons I have not eaten at Arby's in almost a year. The beef is just plain... bland. There is no other way to describe it. It is the Ann "Egg" Veal of meats.

Cheese: 8/10 pts
Arby's did just about everything right with the cheese in this sandwich, earning their cheese score high marks. The cheese had just the right amount of flavor, having just a small tang of taste on my tongue with each bite. I also appreciated the fact that the cheese was included in the price, and that I was not extorted into paying extra for it.

My only complaints were that the cheese was a little oozy, sometimes squirting off the side of the sandwich, and that there could have been a little more of it. Some bites I struggled to taste the cheese at all, but this could have also been due to the fact that some bites consisted only of bland meat.

Au Jus: 3/10 pts
The au jus was probably the most disappointing part about this French dip. While I knew their roast beef would be bland, I had no idea the au jus would be also. When I opened up the container, I was hit by a warm blast of... bland vapor. It smelled like watered-down coffee. I was told by my contact inside Arby's that they make the juice by mixing powder and water. Unfortunately they seemed to have added too much water and not enough powder. The diluted nature of this au jus could even been seen, the color being somewhere between tan and light brown, and not the dark chocolate brown we have all come to expect with a well made French dip.

And is that a disappointing way to make au jus or what? Au jus is supposed to be the juice of the meat taken from its time cooking. Now, I realize some restaurants might cut corners and make the au jus some other way, but I have never had dipping juice that was so obviously artificially manufactured and so bland. This au jus was so tasteless that I enjoyed the sandwich a lot more without it, and without au jus, "French dip" becomes a French... something else. The one good thing I have to say about is that the au jus was plentiful, and I could have used it for the entire sandwich and still had enough to spare. Every cloud has a silver lining I guess.

Miscellaneous: 8/10pts

• Appearance: 1/2 pts
  The main problem that this French dip suffered from is that it was trying really hard to be a toasted sub and not a French dip, which is fine, but it was not recognizable for what it was. I had no way to tell it was actually a French dip until sinking my teeth into it. It just looked like a plain sub sandwich, the basic, standard look you can see in a million other sub joints. It really was not that appetizing to look at, and did not do justice to the French dip name. Yet another French dip that I am better looking than (although it's going to get close by the end of "No-shave November").


• Price: 3/3 pts
  For only $5.01 (plus tax), I was able to get my French dip, a large bowl of au jus, a drink, and a small curly fries. For the quantity of food I was given, it was quite a steal. After I finished eating my French dip, I noticed a coupon on my tray liner for 1 cent off my next French dip purchase, thus making this cheap sandwich even cheaper. Nice token of goodwill, Arby's. Don't break the bank.


• Restaurant: 2/2 pts
  This wasn't really a restaurant, more of a branch set up in a food court. It was a clean place, service was surprisingly swift, and the person who helped me, Meaghan the Shift Manager, was calm and cheerful for how busy it was on a Saturday during lunch time. The place had just as good a selection of drinks as any other fast food place, and overall I was fairly impressed, but then again Arby's has always been one of the better looking fast-food establishments.


• Extras 2/3 pts
  I think that the curly fries are amazing, I'm just going to throw that out there. I was given a drink and some fries with my meal, they were enough to last me the entire process, and they were tasty. My only gripe is that I wish there were more options to select from other than curly fries. If someone came and didn't like curly fries, they would be up the river without a paddle. Sure, you might be able to substitute potato cakes, but that's just more potatoes. Wouldn't it be nice to have more options? I think so.

Final Tally: 31/50 pts

Why does it always seem that all the French dips I have reviewed have had at least one major downfall? The AFDSTS is no exception. While the cheese and the bread shone bright, the meat and au jus dragged it down into the abyss. This could have been a really great rendition of the French dip sandwich, and I am just left wondering what could have been. A little adjusting here and there and I feel as though the toasted sub approach to French dips could be the next big thing, as I really appreciated the fact that this sandwich, unlike the ones before, was not super greasy and oily. But regardless of how "meh" this sandwich was, it was still better than the two French dips I have reviewed prior, and it managed to claw its way up into the mediocre "run-of-the-mill" rating. Way to go Arby's, as of now you have the highest rated French dip on The French Dip Review.



Notes taken during review:

Arby's. Au jus smells like coffee. Watery. Meat is sickly looking. Bread is sub bread, marketed as sub. Meat is bland, thin, pale, fatty. Bread is ok. Cheese is right amount, a little oozy. No taste. The whole sandwich was bland. Price is right. Not greasy at all.

I will post soon updating everyone about my Perkins gift card situation and about the French dip sandwich I ate a Tbocks in Decorah last weekend. Stay frosty, keep eating French dips, and always remember, as Napoleon Bonaparte said, "A man will fight harder for his French dip than for his rights."

The French Dip Review is Featured on The Consumerist

The week just keeps getting better.

Not only did I inaugurate this blog with a review of a Perkins French dip sandwich, get a call from their regional manager, get a gift card sent to me, AND find a French dip in my schools cafeteria, but apparently my sister sent my story into The Consumerist, which has led to this humble blog (21 French dip loving followers, yeah!) being featured on their site.

Perkins Is Really Genuinely Concerned That Your French Dip Sandwich Sucked

Oh how the meager have risen. You know when you are featured on The Consumerist that you have reached the big leagues.

I would just like to thank everyone who wrote comments in that article, I read them all. Yes, I agree with you all, French dips are awesome. Yes, it is funny that I have created a blog dedicated to reviewing French dips, but only in the "Isn't it funny that no one has thought to exclusively review one of the best foods to have ever graced our planet?" sort of way. Oh, and concerning the heated thread regarding my use of the word niggardly, I was merely using shorthand. What I meant was "Perkins was niggardly with their fries," not that the fries themselves were being niggardly.

I would also like to welcome my new followers, who undoubtedly love French dip sandwiches as much as the rest of us. Feel free to introduce yourselves in the comments of this post. I hope you check back often for more reviews, lest you go to a restaurant which turns you off to the holiness that is French dip.

But fear not, fellow French dip lovers, this feature will not go to my head. I realize that I am still your humble servant, selflessly reviewing French dips to separate the wheat from the chaff, all so you can enjoy the best sandwiches this world has ever known.

Luther College Cafeteria at 700 College Drive Decorah, IA 5210123/50 - Sub-par

Today must be my lucky day.

Last night while eating dinner, I thought to myself "You know what, Mark? I haven't seen any French dips this year in the cafeteria." While last year's French dips were nothing to write home about, this year the Luther cafeteria is under new management, being one of the many victims of the shadowy, faceless organization Sodexo. Maybe, just maybe, I thought, they could cook me up a better one than the old guard could. After eating, but before I left to return to my dorm, I grabbed a comment card, on which I planned to suggest they cook everyone's favorite sandwich au jus.

Well last night was somewhat busy, and so I never got a chance to write my comment. This afternoon, somewhat dejected that I had nothing to pin on the cafeteria comment board, I headed to lunch. I stood in the entree line, got my country-fried steak, a slice of pizza, and sat down with my pal Ross. As we were eating, I looked what was in front of him and froze, confused by what I saw. Some parts of it were unmistakably a French dip: The hoagie-esqu bread, the thin slices of roast beef, the Swiss cheese. Other parts pointed away from it being a French dip: the onions scattered on the sandwich and, the most egregious slap in the face to a French dip reviewed on this blog yet, no au jus. I asked him "Is that a French dip?" "No," he said, "It's a Philly Cheesesteak." I looked at him incredulously and replied "No way, there is no way that's a Philly Cheesesteak, it looks way more like a French dip." I decided to investigate further, and so I got up from my seat and headed over to the grill line. And lo and behold, what I saw made me giddy.



Holy. Crap. It must be my birthday or something, because there is no way a gift like this just falls into your lap. What are the odds that the day after I think that the cafeteria should get French dips, they just happened to have them. Am I really this lucky? Should I go buy lottery tickets for tonight? I grabbed two baskets, as the sandwiches were rather small, and scurried back to my seat elated, ready to eat and review my latest find, hoping this sandwich would be better than the Perkins debacle. What I found was the opposite.

Bread: 7/10 pts

The bread was actually one of the best parts of this French dip. It was actually on a sort-of hoagie bun, as opposed to just regular bread. It was not too soft or crispy, and wasn't too flat or... not flat. My only gripes with this bread is that it could have been a little better quality, as it had almost no taste, and that it was rather dry, sucking up the moisture in my mouth. This could have been remedied with some au jus sauce, but as you will soon see, that just simply was not an option. Unfortunately, on account of this same problem, I was unable to rate the absorption factor of this bread, although it surely would have preformed admirably.

Roast Beef: 6/10 pts

After the first few bites of this roast beef, I thought it was actually pretty good, and was thinking about rating it a 7 or an 8. After all, it was cooked exceedingly well, not being too tough, nor raw, nor burned. It also had somewhat of a pleasant taste to it, and the fat to meat ratio was just about perfect. But I soon realized that I was focusing only on the good aspects of the meet and not considering the negatives.

For starters, the meat was colder than Luke Skywalker in the wampa's ice lair on Hoth during winter. Being a red-blooded American and not some sissy Canadian, it was an immediate turn off to say the least. There is no reason for the meat to be cold. If they are going to make these French dips and tantalize me with the prospect of a good meal, they should at the very least install hot lamps to keep them warm, and instead they should make them to order. I feel bad saying this because once again, the lady in the grill line today was really nice. Now I realize, I could have taken my French dip and popped in the microwave for 30 seconds or so and been happier. But let me ask you something... should I have to? Is that the utter disregard with which we are handling our French dips these days? Is it acceptable to have to heat your sandwich up yourself due to lack of foresight on the part of the chef? I think not.

In addition to the temperature issue, the meat was rather stringy. I would take a bite and pull back, and the meat would hold hands and form a paper doll chain and all come out onto my basket. I would have to pick it up and stuff it back into my sandwich if I wanted my next bite to have any meat at all. Another issue was the taste of the meat. Now I know I said it didn't taste that bad, pretty good in fact, but by the end of the sandwich I felt like I was gagging it down. It just had almost no appeal to it. Its as though I became immune to the taste of the first few bites and was instead eating show leather.

Cheese: 5/10 pts

The cheese on this sandwich was much like the roast beef. At first I thought it was alright, I mean how can you screw up a slice of cheese? But in the middle of my second mini sandwich I felt as though I was gagging it down. This could be to two main issues. First, the cheese was really greasy, like Mark without a shower for four days greasy, so greasy I could swear that I could see my reflection in it. Second, it had almost too strong of a taste, making me think that this cheese had neared its expiration date before being unceremoniously tossed on my sandwich. And that's exactly what happened, they just tossed it on there. When I got my sandwich, it was half hanging out the side. While this technically doesn't count as "oozing out the side," as mentioned in the reviewing standards, it still was a bit of a turn off, and further illustrated Sodexo's lack of respect for this sacred sandwich. Heretics.

Au Jus: 0/10 pts

Well... if you didn't notice by looking at the earlier pictures... there is no au jus. That's right. A French dip without the dip. So technically they have no right to call this sandwich a "French dip", it should just be a "French". What, oh what were they thinking? If you are going to make your bread so dry that it makes me feel like Satan tempting Jesus in the desert for forty days, the very least you can do is take some of the juices expelled during the cooking, collect them in a bowl, add a little salt, put the resulting concoction in a small cup, and serve it with the dip.

However, for a while I debated whether I should award Sodexo 1/10 points in this category for NOT giving me au jus, as it probably would have just made me sick to my stomach. Trust me, I have seen the grill they cook these on, and it is not pleasant. Does anyone remember Quantum of Solace, where M mentions finding the guy with motor oil in his stomach? Just saying. In the end I decided that any au jus would be better than no au jus, and awarded my first macro-criterion 0. Congratulations, Luther College.

Miscellaneous: 5/10pts

• Appearance: 0/2 pts
  I didn't really think that this looked much like a French dip, to be honest, hence my confusion when I saw my friend eating one. When I finally got my own, I was still dismayed at how it looked. The meat was all willy-nilly, the cheese was half off the sandwich, and there was a big fat pickle resting on the top of it. Needless to say it was no Karla Dobie when it came to looks.


• Price: 2/3 pts
  How do I review price in a setting where I can eat as much as I want? Easy. I focus on quality, not quantity. The price for eating lunch at Luther is $7.00 if you pay in cash, but I obviously have a meal plan, so it costs me nothing (Thanks Dad!). This $7.00 can get you as much food as you want in the cafeteria (at least until 1:30). But is it any good? Well... kinda. The food isn't horrible by any means, but it sure isn't as good as your mom can make. Some days they have really good things in the entree lines, and sometimes they don't, it's just a matter of chance which one you get on a French dip day. If you are preforming a pilgrimage to come to Luther JUST to eat the French dip, I would subtract another point here. But as it stands, $7.00 for unlimited food and ambrosia (read: French dips) is not a bad price.


• Restaurant: 1/2 pts
  What is there to say about the Luther cafeteria? It was a rather quiet time when I went, there being no more than 150 students in the eating area. There is a lovely view of the Upper Iowa River Valley though the large windows on three sides of the room. All in all its a pretty nice place to relax, eat lunch, and chat with a friend.
  
  If that's the case, then why did I take a point off, you may ask. Well, put simply, the student workers there suck. When I got my food and went to get a drink, there were absolutely no cups available. None. The cafeteria must have thousands of cups, but none were clean and out to be used. My friend and I saw a worker come out, see there were no cups, go to the washroom, and bring one cup out for himself. Wow, talk about diligence and effort. Don't strain yourself, man. It took them at least 10 minutes from the time I saw their were no cups until they finally brought them out. It's worker bees like this that make me thankful for the awesome waitress I had at Perkins (yes, I am still going on about that).


• Extras 2/3 pts
  It is really hard to rate something like "extras" in an 'all you can eat' cafeteria setting. I suppose if I had wanted, I could have anything with my French dip. As it stands I had some pizza, country-fried steak, gravy, an apple, and milk. But as I stated with price... it's important to remember quality along with quantity. To be sure, there is a wide array of things to eat with your French dip... but it most of it isn't exactly scrumptious.

Final Tally: 23/50 pts

Another sub-par French dip. This French dip was almost the antithesis of the Perkins French dip; The bread was good, but not much else. The meat was cold, the cheese was greasy, and the au jus was lacking... literally! It was a fail of a French dip all around. Now I know, there is no expectation that a college cafeteria produce 5-star quality food. But this blog is aimed at those French dip connoisseurs who are looking for the next sandwich to sate their pallets, not at the barbaric masses who are satisfied with mediocre food. Unfortunately, the former category is not going to find what they are looking for here. While I have had some really good food in the Luther cafeteria, I have also had some bad food in the Luther cafeteria. Unfortunately, this rendition falls into the latter category, a shame considering the wonder that is a well-made French dip.



With this being the second sub-par sandwich reviewed in less than a week, I have come to long for the French dips I knew from my childhood, with their warm hoagie buns, succulent meat, melty cheese, and salty au jus. As Masons oft exclaim in public, "Is there no help for the widow's son?"

Attentive readers will be wondering, what am I going to do with that comment card that I grabbed? Simple. I'm going to let them know how much I did not appreciate them besmirching the good name of "French dip" with their abhorrent knock-off, that's what.



I look forward to their response.

Notes taken during review:

My lucky day. French dip in cafeteria. No au jus. WTF. Meat was cold, but well cooked and tasted pretty good. Cheese was cold too. the most basic Swiss cheese I've eaten. Onions are a nice touch. Sandwich was a bit small but can always get more. Bread was mostly correct, could have been warmer, maybe a little dry. Meat has a little fat, maybe a little too much. Swiss is a little too greasy. Not the vest [sic] French dip ever.

Until next time, faithful readers. And let us never forget the words of Patrick Henry: "Give me a sandwich worthy of the name 'French dip,' or give me death."

Update: The Perkins French Dip Review of November 1, 2009 and Jon Sanborn

At approximately 1:20 PM today, Tuesday, November 3rd, I called the number provided to me in the Perkins review comments by "Jon Sanborn." I reached the Perkins Customer Hotline or something to that effect, and asked if a Jon Sanborn worked there. Much to my surprise, the woman on the other end verified that he does indeed work there, although she told me that he was out at time. I left my name, number, and my reason for calling, and was told that Mr. Sanborn would call my back at a later time.

At 1:32 PM, I received a call from Mr. Sanborn, and had a very pleasant chat with him. What follows is the story that Jon told me, of how he found my blog and the harrowing epic of how my French dip came to look more like a grilled cheese:

Apparently on Monday mornings his boss in Minneapolis does internet searches for Perkins reviews, and happened to stumble on my humble blog. She showed it to Mr. Sanborn, who read my review and was shocked at what he saw. He too was baffled at the bread that I received, and his first thought was that maybe the waitress had written my order down wrong and somehow I had been given a roast beef sandwich or some such. But he soon realized that I was given everything indicative of a French dip except the bread. Mr. Sanborn called the restaurant and was told by the kitchen that they were out of the proper bread required for French dips all Sunday. What was supposed to happen is the waitress was suppose to inform me that they were out of hoagie bread and ask me if I still wanted a French dip and if so what kind of bread I wanted with it. This obviously did not happen, and there must have been a miscommunication somewhere along the line. He reiterated again and again that this whole situation was unacceptable and should never have happened. I would like to say that I hope my waitress was not at fault, as she was awesome. Just saying.

Mr. Sanborn told me that I should have informed a manager of my displeasure, but what I wanted was to review the John Q. Public Perkins French dip experience, the French dip anyone would receive at this establishment, not the candy-ass "my bread isn't righhhhht" French dip. As it seems that the planets and stars aligned perfectly for this restaurant not to have the correct bread, and not it just being a special way that this location makes French dips, the review I wrote was probably not indicative of the experience someone would have going even today. One should take that into consideration when reading the review in question.

Mr. Sanborn was apologetic for what had happened and wanted to make it up to me. So he told me that he would mail me a Perkins gift certificate! Please realize, Perkins found me out to make this situation right, I did not complain to them. If this indicative of how their franchise is run, all I can say is, "Thank you, Perkins, for putting the customer first." About how to use my compensation, fret not faithful readers, this gift certificate will only go back into purchasing more French dips for ingestion and judging, as I wish not to profit from the deeds I undertake selflessly reviewing everyone's favorite sandwiches of perfect harmony.

I informed Mr. Sanborn that in late January I would be in Madison again, and that I would love to review the same Perkins' French dip again. He told me that he doesn't really care what I do with my blog, just that he wants me to be happy. If any of his superiors are reading this blog, no words better summarize this man's commitment to his customers than those uttered by the centurion during Jesus crucifixion: "Truly, this man was the Son of great customer service." (Mark 15:39)

Well, after such a pleasant chat with the man, and considering the kindness Perkins has shown me in the past, nothing would make me happier than returning to the Perkins on University Ave in Madison and re-reviewing their French dip, and this time it will hopefully earn a score that Jon and I both know it deserves!

Look for my re-review of Perkins coming in the end on January. Until then, I will continue to scour the globe for great French dips, and bring my findings back to you, French dip connoisseurs of the world!

10 Followers

I have reached 10 followers!

I just want to take a moment to thank everyone for helping me achieve this monumental milestone in blogdom. It is because of you that this blog is the huge success that it is today. Fear not, for your support will not result in an enlarged ego and review complacency, but instead will result in renewed vigor to bring you the best French dip reviews possible.

The First 10:
Sissy
Karla
Tony
Scott
Erik
Chris
Kendra
Kevin
Courtney
Talia

Perkins Restaurant and Bakery at 5237 University Ave Madison, WI 5370527/50 - Sub-par

This weekend I traveled to Madison, Wisconsin to visit some old friends from high school. After a night of Halloween galavantery on Saturday and before everyone had to leave on Sunday, we decided to grab a bite at everyone's favorite semi-cheap semi-good semi-sit-down restaurant, Perkins. By the sheer stroke of Lady Fortune, Perkins, obviously pandering to a classier audience than usually frequents their establishments, happened to have French dip on the menu. Ever on the watch for these sandwiches to bring joy and satisfaction to my legions of faithful readers, I decided to delve into the unknown and order this blog's titular sandwich.

Bread: 1/10 pts

All I can say is "What were they thinking!?" When the French dip was served the my table, after quite literally minutes of waiting, I wasn't sure whether to cry or laugh. All they did was grill two pieces of sliced bread and placed the innards of the French dip betwixt them. I mean, read the menu and look at the picture featured therein! It clearly shows different bread, bread far more appropriate for this type of sandwich. As only a quarter to a third of the items on the menu have pictures, they obviously thought that this meal would look especially appetizing, and they were right! But then they pull the ol' one-two switcheroo and you are left with this affront of a sandwich. This type of behavior is absolutely reprehensible and inappropriate. They need to realize that they are not serving grilled cheeses to some epsilon level simpleton here. I am a connoisseur of sandwiches, and I will not settle for such an affront to the honor of all that is French dip, especially when all it would take to sate me would be using a hoagie bun or a French baguette.


But regardless of what they bread should have been, when life gives you grilled bread, make grilled bread-ade, right? Well... I tried. After my initial shock subsided, I decided to give the French dip a whirl and see what it tasted like. The bread was a little crunchy for my tastes, and obviously not what it was supposed to be, but it wasn't that horrible. But the first major problem occured when I went to dip my sandwich in the au jus. The bread just refused to absorb to juice, something a baguette is perfectly suited for. Instead the absorption was left entirely to the meat, and, as Jesus said, "au jus cannot be absorbed by meat alone." (French Dip 4:13). Another major issue was the rock hard crust, again something that is not an issue on a hoagie roll or a baguette. It was far too crunchy, and simply did not mix well with the rest of the concoction. If they had cut the crusts off, much like my mother does for me, Perkins might have salvaged another point in this category, but as it stands, the bread on this French dip was absolutely abysmal. I don't think you can screw bread up much more than happened here.

Roast Beef: 6/10 pts

Although the review standards clearly read that the French dip should "contain little fat," it is my humble opinion as a culinary critic that this roast beef had almost TOO little fat. It was bland, and when salty fatty au jus can't even give the beef taste, you know that you are in for a doozy. The meat was cooked to an optimal color and toughness, and had the correct amount of thickness and density. But none of this can detract from the fact that the meat was hardly the main mover-and-shaker in the sandwich. This sandwich is a good lesson in preparing meat for French dips: No matter how well it is cooked and sliced, bland beef will likely remain bland beef, especially if no spices are added during the cooking process.

Cheese: 5/10 pts

On the topic of the cheese, it must first be noted that the cheese (and onions) cost an additional 79 cents on top of the $8.49 I was already paying. This is unacceptable. Some out there might say, "Hey, c'mon, go easy on them, there might be some people who don't like cheese on their French dips, why should they be forced to pay extra?" To that I have only one thing to say: A village cannot reorganize life to suit the village idiot. And that's exactly what anyone who would pass up the opportunity for a cheesy French dip would be. Sorry Perkins, but don't make me have to ask for cheese and don't charge me for an essential.

In addition to that oversight, the cheese was rather bland and tasteless. It was also a little too greasy for my tastes. On the bright side, it wasn't oozing out the sides, having been well portioned, and it wasn't cheese sauce. It also added some much needed fat to the dish, and, along with the au jus, was one of the major workhorses of this meal. They would have scored higher if they hadn't charged me for my cheese.

Au Jus: 9/10

Strangely, while many of the other aspects of this French dip were lacking, the au jus was done just about perfectly. I was given a healthy portion in a large cup which lasted me the entire sandwich, although this may have been due to the fact that only the meat was absorbing any. I ladled a few spoonfuls into my mouth sans-French dip, and it had a great flavor to it, not being either too salty or too bland. The only thing that I could find wrong with this au jus was that it could have used a little more beef flavor, but again this was probably due to the fact that the beef it came from was bland to begin with.

Miscellaneous: 6/10 pts

• Appearance: 0/2 pts
  This French dip wasn't the ugliest thing I have ever seen, although to be certain it looks even worse when compared against my dashing smile, but again, the review standards clearly state "it should at the very least be recognizable as a French dip." I would not recognize this sandwich as a French dip unless I did an autopsy to check its innards. Not to beat a dead horse, but it does look like a grilled cheese.


• Price: 2/3 pts
  At $8.49 plus an additional $.79 for cheese, this French dip comes in at $9.28, a bit pricey, especially considering I was given only a handful of fries and a sad excuse for a French dip. Nonetheless, this seems to be about the average price for a French dip, so only one point will be deducted.


• Restaurant: 2/2 pts
  This was actually one of the nicest Perkins I have ever been in. It was clean and had a good atmosphere, my view during my meal being a small wooded patch of land to relax me during my daunting endeavor. Although it was extremely busy, our group was seated rather promptly and service was quick and pleasant. Kudos to the waiter and waitress who served us; My horrible French dip was not their fault.


• Extras 2/3 pts
  It was much appreciated that there was a wide array of sides to choose from. I could have fries, fruit, salad, or soup, although ever being a purist I chose to go with the standard fries. However I was greatly disappointed at the number of fries I was given. As I eloquently put it in my notes, "Fries were niggardly." Because of this I am taking a point off. If I went back and received more fries, I would be willing to reconsider, but as it stands, two of three is the best they are going to do here.

Final Tally: 27/50pts

A sub-par French dip, without a doubt. While there was one major flaw, the bread, several other minor flaws, such as bland meat and the bland cheese, really brought down the score of this French dip. This is really unfortunate, as this French dip could have been something good. I know I have had French dips at the Rochester, Minnesota Perkin's locations and have had the correct bread, which makes it all the more confusing why they would sabotage their own sandwiches with grilled bread. I hope to someday go to another Perkins and review a (hopefully) better sandwich, but until that time, I advise all French dip lovers to steer clear of this establishment. There are much better French dips out there! Don't let this one make you become jaded! If you are somehow forced to go to Perkins, at the very least make sure that they know you won't stand for grilled French dip. The very fact that you read this blog shows that you are a connoisseur, and connoisseurs will not stand for anything less than perfection.



Addendum:

In each of these reviews, I hope to enlighten my readers about the entire process and the thoughts that go through my head while consuming these French dips. Therefore I have included at the end of this entry notes taken during the judging process, exactly as I took them, and will continue to do so in future reviews. I was rather unprepared for my review this time around, so notes were taken on my iPhone and had to be abbreviated, but in the future I will bring a pen and a flip pad to better capture my thoughts. (Note: Sorry about the wandering tense)

Notes taken during consumption:

Smells like a French dip. Plenty of ai [sic] jus. Bread is wrong, bread like a grilled chese.[sic] Pix was hoagie. Fries were niggardly. Meat was well cooked, lean, maybe a little bland and dry. Chese [sic] cost extra. Was a little greasy cheese. But cheese is always. Meat was right amount of packed. Jus was really brown, healthy looking. At the end the french dip was too crunchy, tasted more like a grilled cheese, less like a French dip.

Thanks for reading, I hope you look forward to my next installment. And always remember: "A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is a Perkin's French dip." -Clifton Paul Fadiman

The Rating System

In my quest to eat, review, and rate every French dip I can get my hands on, I have created a standardized review system with which to judge each sandwich. The system has five main criteria: One for each member of the French dip "Quadfecta" (bread, meat, cheese, au jus) and a criterion for miscellaneous extras. This last criterion has four sub-criteria, which will be discussed below.

Bread [10pts]:
Bread is one of the staples of the French dip. It should be somewhere between hard and soft, crispy and soggy. It should be warm, not cold, and should at least pretend to be a French baguette, even it is just an imitator.

Roast Beef [10pts]:
This is the meat of the sandwich... literally! It should be thinly sliced, but there should be enough of it to make the insides of the sandwich three-dimensional. I prefer it to be lightly packed, not as dense as Osmium. It should not be pink or black, but a nice brown color, and should contain little fat. There is enough of that on the cheese. Any infringement on these standards will result in a loss of points.

Cheese [10pts]:
Often of Swiss nationality, the cheese is another key component of the French dip. The cheese should be a little melty, but not oozing everywhere out of the sides of the sandwich. This means that the cheese should be slices and not gross cheese sauce. Also, the cheese points of a sandwich will take a hit if it is not included but instead costs extra.

Au Jus [10pts]:
The au jus may be the easiest and hardest of all the "Quadfecta" to get right. While it may be little more than brown salty broth, the au jus can neither be too salty nor too brown. It should also be warm, and should compliment the sandwich perfectly. One of the biggest problems in this category is not being supplied with enough au jus, as it often comes in a small cup that is hardly sufficient to smother your sandwich in. Also, like the cheese, there will be a deduction of points if this costs extra.

Miscellaneous [10pts]:

• Appearance [2pts]:
  The French dip is not a beautiful sandwich by any stretch of imagination, and there is no expectation the the dip be covered in gold leaf. Because of this, only 2 points are possible here. Nonetheless, it should not look like you are the second person to eat it, and it should at the very least be recognizable as a French dip.
  


• Price [3pts]:
  Price is one of the most important non-taste criteria. Nobody wants to pay $13 for a French dip the size of a fist. The more bang you get for your buck, the higher this score will be.
  


• Restaurant [2pts]:
  This criteria rates the restaurant in which the French dip was eaten based on its cleanliness, service, and atmosphere, in addition to minor details such as drink selection.
  


• Extras [3pts]:
  This section, worth 3 points, reviews the extras that come along with the French dip, such as fries, fruit, cloe slaw, or corn, just to name a few.
  

The system has a potential for 50 points, 10 from each main criterion. Each dip will be given a grade based on its score. The grades are as follows:

48-50 pts:
A superb French dip. This dip receives the highest honor of this blog, and it is highly recommended every reader, even if they are vegetarian, give this sandwich a try.

44-47 pts:
A really good French dip. This French dip is a good example of what a sandwich should strive to be. If you go to this restaurant, it is recommended you get this French dip, even if something else looks better.

38-43 pts:
A good French dip. This sandwich is pretty tasty, but nothing all that special. A solid entry into your stomach, if you are craving a French dip and happen to be at a restaurant that has one of these, its a pretty safe bet you will get what you are looking for.

30-37 pts:
A standard, run-of-the mill French dip. This is the type of French dip that you could easily cook up at home for a fourth of the price. Nothing special here. This isn't the French dip we are looking for. Move along, move along.

20-29 pts:
A sub-par French dip. This sandwich probably has more than one major flaw to it, and hardly does justice to the name "French dip." You will be left wondering what could have been. If you go to this restaurant and crave a French dip, I advise you to get something else. This French dip will probably make you a little sick, and only if nothing else looks good should you even dare order this.

19pts or below:
This French dip is awful, and should be avoided at all costs. It will probably make you never want to eat a French dip again, and nobody wants that. If I wasn't born in a state whose residents were characterized as "Minnesota Nice," I probably would have asked for my money back. It also probably gave me intestinal issues.


Throughout my reviews, it may seem that I am a little rough on the restaurants. However, it should be noted that French dips have the potential to be amazing, and are no joke, regardless of the humorous tone of this blog. Always remember: "With great sandwich comes great responsibility."

With the technical stuff out of the way, it is time to finally start eating some French dips. Check back soon for my first review.

Overview: The French Dip Review (A Preview of Deliciousness to Come)

Since the dawn of time, mankind has loved eating four things: Meat, cheese, bread, and brown salty sauce. Unfortunately, for eons man found no tasteful way to combine these four separate forces of nature. That all changed in the early 20th century. While physicists were still struggling to find a unifying solution for electromagnetism, gravity, strong force, and weak force, chefs in the 1900's created their own version of a grand unification theory, winning what was known thereto as the "Unification Race" (the sickly and lesser-known cousin of the "Space Race" and the "Caucasian Race"). These chefs succeeded by fusing all of the four "super foods" thus: They first cut a french baguette lengthwise, then placed sliced roast beef in on the bread, topped it with melted Swiss cheese, and placed the other side of the bread on top. They then dipped this creation in a steamy, salty, browny au jus sauce, which modern restaurants often serve on the side, evidence of the theory of French Dip Evolution, popularized by the great English naturalist Charles Darwin. By doing so, the chefs solved one of the greatest problems in contemporary science and created the greatest invention since the axle:

The French Dip

This blog was created to celebrate this culinary masterpiece of deliciousness. Like most red-blooded men, I love French dips, and I have taken it upon myself to review these little pieces of heavenly cuisine wherever I go. While this blog will mostly focus on the French dips found in Southeast Minnesota and Northeast Iowa, I hope to expand the scope of this blog, eventually reviewing around the country. I hope that will join me on my quest to taste as many French dips as possible in an attempt to find the best French dip I can, and to honor the sandwich we all love: The French Dip.