The Worst Movies of All Time: The IMDb Bottom 100

Let me preface this post by stating the have a disease. A horribly debilitating disease known as Malosisomatitis. Can't find it at WebMD? Well, basically, its an abnormal swelling of a tumor in my brain's mal gland. Now you say you can't find mal gland in WebMD either? Never heard mention of it on House or Grey's Anatomy? Well the mal gland controls the human reflex to revolting things, sending out chemical signals that tell the body to avoid anything that might be detrimental to one's health, such as watching too many crappy movies. It is because of the mal gland that the Star Wars Holdiay Special was only shown once on TV. The swelling of my mal gland has caused the opposite of the intended effect to occur; I absolutely love crappy movies. Malosisomatitis has made my brain so warped that I would rather watch The Room than watch The Godfather.

There is no cure for Malosisomatitis.

It is for this reason that I have decided to try an experimental treatment, one so crazy that it will either cure me of my love for C-movies, or kill me in the process (or you know, I'll just stay the same). This revolutionary and daring treatment, known as the Mystery Science 3000 regimen, is to watch every one of the Internet Movie Database's Bottom 100 movies. You heard me right. Every one. Maybe, with so many awful movies stored in my memory, My mal gland will finally kick in. It's a risk I'm willing to take.

Because Miley Cyrus is still acting and George Lucas is still making Indiana Jones movies (but here's to hoping that the 2011 live-action Star Wars show kicks ass), the Bottom 100 is not as static. It is the same reason why the Top 250 isn't static because Will Smith is still alive. Because of the ever-changing nature of the list, I will review the movies, in order from worse to worst, as they stand on this day, April 4th, in the 2010th year of our Lord, Annie Domino.

The list, as it stands at this point in time, is:

100. Howling III (1987)
99. Meet the Spartans (2008)
98. Marci X (2003)
97. Bolero (1984)
96. Daddy Day Camp (2007)
95. Kazaam (1996)
94. Blackwoods (2002)
93. It's Pat (1994)
92. Levottomat 3 (2004)
91. .com for Murder (2002)
90. Büyü (2004)
89. Gigli (2003)
88. Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000)
87. Anus Magillicutty (2003)
86. Alien from L.A. (1988)
85. Ed (1996)
84. Hababam sinifi 3,5 (2006)
83. Araf (2006)
82. The Smokers (2000)
81. Alone in the Dark (2005)
80. Love in Paris (1997)
79. Phat Girlz (2006)
78. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
77. Simon Sez (1999)
76. Nine Lives (2002)
75. Baby Geniuses (1999)
74. Cool as Ice (1991)
73. Epic Movie (2007)
72. Mitchell (1975)
71. American Ninja V (1993)
70.In the Mix (2005)
69. Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996)
68. 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)
67. Demon Island (2002)
66. Son of the Mask (2005)
65. Chairman of the Board (1998)
64. Ein Toter hing im Netz (1960)
63. Leonard Part 6 (1987)
62. Laserblast (1978)
61. Snowboard Academy (1996)
60. Car 54, Where Are You? (1994)
59. Troll 2 (1990)
58. Feel the Noise (2007)
57. Santa with Muscles (1996)
56. Glitter (2001)
55. House of the Dead (2003)
54. The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964)
53. Space Mutiny (1988)
52. Eegah (1962)
51. Anne B. Real (2003)
50. Zeiten ändern Dich (2010)
49. Surf School (2006)
48. Tangents (1994)
47. Going Overboard (1989)
46. L'uomo puma (1980)
45. Santa Claus (1959)
44. Soultaker (1990)
43. Keloglan kara prens'e karsi (2006)
42. The Hottie & the Nottie (2008)
41. The Barbaric Beast of Boggy Creek, Part II (1985)
40. Ator l'invincibile 2 (1984)
39. Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam'in oglu (2006)
38. Crossover (2006)
37. The Creeping Terror (1964)
36. The Tony Blair Witch Project (2000)
35. Who's Your Caddy? (2007)
34. Die Hard Dracula (1998)
33. Girl in Gold Boots (1968)
32. The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)
31. The Maize: The Movie (2004)
30. Stjerner uden hjerner (1997)
29. The Apocalypse (2007)
28. Zodiac Killer (2005)
27. Los nuevos extraterrestres (1983)
26. The Hillz (2004)
25. Disaster Movie (2008)
24. From Justin to Kelly (2003)
23. Hobgoblins (1988)
22. Kis Vuk (2008)
21. The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)
20. Troppo belli (2005)
19. Pledge This! (2006)
18. Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)
17. Dis - en historie om kjærlighet (1995)
16. Emret komutanim: Sah mat (2007)
15. Track of the Moon Beast (1976)
14. Zombie Nation (2004)
13. Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag (2007)
12. Fat Slags (2004)
11. The Final Sacrifice (1990)
10. Zaat (1975)
9. Ben & Arthur (2002)
8. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
7. The Starfighters (1964)
6. The Skydivers (1963)
5. Pocket Ninjas (1997)
4. Monster a-Go Go (1965)
3. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)
2. Daniel - Der Zauberer (2004)
1. Night Train to Mundo Fine (1966)

After watching each movie, I will write a short little review about it, most likely highlighting the bad (and therefore good) aspects of it, and also trying to look for a good (and therefore bad) silver lining. If anyone cares to watch one or several with me, just let me know, and I'll let you write a short little review to go along with mine. Just don't let the prestige go to your head!

To be certain, I have seen about 10 or 15 of these movies. But I would feel as though I was robbing my readers if I did not go back and re-watch these movies, in order to review them. Therefore, every one of these movies will be watched, and every one will be reviewed. It may take me a year, but by George I will get it done.

Looking at the list has my heart aflutter with joy at the sheer badness (and therefore goodness) of the project I am about to undertake. Maybe, just maybe, if I watch all of them, I will be cured of Malosisomatitis, and will finally be able to function as a contributing member of society. We will get through this, guys, I promise.

A Still More Glorious Dawn Awaits

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears!

I have decided, after much deliberation and expensive personal counseling, to move The French Dip Review to this newer, bigger, better blog, Markaeology. The decision was not easy, as The French Dip Review became somewhat of a Consumerist sensation after my dealings with the Perkins in Madison (something that other sandwich reviewing blog will never be able to claim). However, I quickly got annoyed of assessing au jus, became burned out on baguettes, refrained from being refreshed by roast beef, and chewed cheese only to my chagrin. It became startlingly apparent to me that I cannot sustain a blog by writing about French dips alone; I simply am not interested in one topic for extended periods of time.

Therefore, I have created a new, broader blog, that I will update more frequently with a wider array of topics, ensuring that I do not tire of writing. I have named the blog Markaeology, after my interest in the field of archaeology, although I plan to write on whatever topic stirs my marrow. In addition to reviews of the aforementioned French dips, I will likely review movies I see, games I play, shows I watch, people I meet(?), and things I touch(!). However, as homage to perfection, I promise to never review any delectable foodstuff other than the fabled French dip sandwiches. It's the least I can do. I will likely also infrequently comment on interesting news stories I come across, mostly dealing with the humanities and science, as well as post the occasional and obligatory HILARIOUS photo with an equally HILARIOUS story to go along with it. This is a blog, after all.

For those French dip purists (Puritans?) of you who may be concerned that my reviews will be corrupted by intermittent nuggets of horizon expanding topics, fear not. For if you truly love French dips, you will understand that sporadic reviews with interesting filler is better than no reviews at all. If you are concerned about the quality of my reviews, I promise I will always hold French dip-serving restaurants to a higher standard, and will never forget the immortal, sage words of Uncle Ben, when he said "With great sandwich comes great responsibility."

For the next few days I will be updating the look and layout of the blog to get it up to a higher standard. I'd hate to have it confused with a second-rate blog. In the meantime I will try and track down my former readers, and let these elite few disciples know that the Lazarus of blogs has been resurrected. After that, I promise to update more often, and not fall into the same trap I did with The French Dip Review. You have my word, and my honor. And for those who frequently fall victim to attacks of nostalgia, The French Dip Review will remain up, petrified in time (if bits and bytes can be petrified), for all to enjoy and reminisce about.

Now let us look to the future, and may this post not be a sunrise, but a galaxy-rise, and the blog filled with 400-billion suns.